Maybe I should start this post with my re-itemization to clarify the order of such a word combination. Every now and then it's love, money & sex. More often these days the order is money, love and sex. I've sat and thought of the why's of this simple listing that seems all too magnified to me. Sometimes I believe that my prioritization or the order I choose to put these words directly connected with my time being single ma. The whole process of raising and loving my daughter makes love important and often quite simplified. Pondering this love stuff tends to lead me to my all too often limited state of love of the opposite sex. You know, that relationship stuff which in the process seems to lead me back into this perpetual place of re-evaluating my past and perhaps present loves – or limitation of such for that matter. Weirdly enough thinking about love in some twilight zoned sorta way gets me thinking about money. Sex has been last on the list and continues to get pushed further down as less and less of a priority with other things as a replacement like respect, creativity, balance, ambition, movement…you get the drift?

It wasn't always this way. I remember having debates over attaining money vs. being this deep, thoughtful, introspective, dare I say righteous individual many times with a couple of my homeboys over the years. Something that appeared to be so profound in my personal evolution seems more like a no brainer these days. Maybe so partially since I've done a lot of the "thinker" and "lover" work for a hot minute. However, I've distanced myself from the sexual being part of my person more and more since I was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago. I can't even believe it's been 2 years. Anywhoo, since cancer is a topic I don't often talk about, let alone blog about, I'll keep it short and sweet. Cancer changed a lot of things for me physically, emotionally and mentally. I learned a multitude of things about myself and definitely other people in a whole throughout the experience, still learning at that. Most lessons were not by choice or sought out, they were quite given by persons, circumstance and time. The cancer seemed to set up shop within the center of my sexual self maybe more accurately it festered in the place of my deepest vulnerability. I say that both figuratively and actually. I figured sex or my opinion and feelings towards sex and the how's and with whom I've shared that part of myself with had everything to do with my cancer. Over the past 2 years I've had to resolve, rediscover or more like redefine my sexuality. At times failing miserably and compromising aspects of my self respect by ways of getting caught in the 5 senses of a man. Not really failing in a physical sense but more so in many other ways I ain't even getting onto in this post. At first I thought that I just had this void that my journey though cancer left within me. These days I think that my whole process just needs to be traded in for a new ride so to speak. So, I found myself traipsing along the familiar path that galvanized me in my 20's. The same movement no longer suits me in a 30somthing body with a thirty something mind and something needed to be done bout that. I think about it fleetingly now. It resides within a deeper place in some corner of my mind now. Thus, the sex, love & money order of things and the love sex & money set up (in both modes of order I've prioritized over years) ain't poppin off no mas. Those set ups just left a sista broke and/or broken on way too many levels to even think that shit is correct. Maybe the good shit is out there, perhaps seeking me, or waiting to coo upon me but, my point is, I ain't interested. Writing a million love poems don't change that either. lol@self.

On the other hand. Money - with a capitol M - has replaced sex. I get orgasmic joy fantasizing about hoards of cash. Benjamin has become my new sex toy. Checks and figures make my booty tingle. There ain't a dick, penis or member out there that I can lay back and daydream about that gets me as hot and bothered as good old capitalism. I think about money like 18 year old virile boys and 30 year old primed women think about the plug and socket – all day long. It's insane to observe this frame and re occurrence of thought within my own mind. Maybe this marks my timely regression into materialistic ways. I don't know. I really don't care. The maneuverability that money makes possible is sweeter than any position I can twist my body into in order to bust one. And see there is one thing that money lacks (and I love this part), it's totally devoid of emotion. Ain't no feelings getting caught up in currency. Sex and love came with a little too much of that extra shit for one reason or another however I was working it (I take full responsibility). I care not to speculate though. I'd sure prefer to have pretty things, places visited, property purchased to show for my conquest and acquisitions rather than what I have to show from my own sexcapades and trolloping in fields of love. Oh fuck all that distracting detour ridden shit. *chuckles to self*

On a final note though I'm gonna rebuke myself. I must say that I am no less the deep feeler. I am no less emotional because of this decision to switch up my thinking. I have tried and experienced my way through the other organization and order set of of sex, love and money. I am no less loving although I choose quite precisely who and where to spread that stuff. I don't think I've become shallow. I'm not even less the sexual being. Of course, I know that all sounds like a paradox to what I'm saying all up above these lines…it's is. That works fine for me anyhow 'cause I believe paradoxes to be the ultimate truths. Maybe that leaves me closer to my truth. For real though, I'm just switching up the synapses in my brain homie. I'll just take the money first for a change. Everything else can fall into place there after. I've already done it the other way around and had the priorities listed differently. I might be wrong but hey, at lease I can get into the process of switching it up and learn something new along the way, right or wrong. That's relative anywhoo. In spite of it all I'll still evolve. If I'm lucky I might just get it all correct or better yet balanced in spite of myself. I'm open to changing my mind tomorrow and reworking it all again. Maybe it's all written to convince myself
whatever works.*wink*