...In The Me(an)time.
Well yesterday I had a mini-meltdown. There are points wether your sick or not where you wonder why your physical reality doesn't keep up with your mental realitie(s)! I see that I'm not the only one going through this. When you sit and think "what the fuck, this ain't it, I'm not where I should be," it gets real frustrating to the point that one can go on emotional overload. But that was yesterday...I ain't thinking bout that today. *smile*
So I've been struggling to figure what to write and post for days. Everytime I would sit down and try to get the mind machine cranking I would get stumped. Yesterday, I was gonna work on a post on my views on white women. As I sat to type away I realized how complex my views and feelings are. I went from the prejudice and actual rage I have with white women dating and being in relationships with black men to my honest and total appreciation for some white women. I realized that my thoughts on this were not as plain figured out as I thought they may have been. I was talking to a friend about my time in the hospital and how my mother had to get rid of the much older black woman that was not properly taking care of me. She would just disappear at the wrong time and it left me feeling helpless, abandoned and neglected after my surgery. But as I was talking to him I had to look at myself cause the freshest nurse I had was Sarah. She was a very young lady (yes white grrrl) that took awesome care of me during the night shift. I never had to ask for my meds and she always came with a smile and some supafresh much needed positive energy. She was the
BOMB. Then I started thinking about my grrrrl Ani and her Mom. Both are amazing. All my hostility melted, it had to. Then I get online to check out my new net-fetish
Blogshare(<--- click that). This is a sort of game that give stock value to blogs, and I'm on some mikey d's shit "I'm lovin' it". And when I check my blogshares on Sauti and
Kitty Mason (<-- click that), who has been the other stock holder gave me a large amount of the shares in my blog and actual overall stock control (i think *wink*). Kitty is fresh white woman. So, in trying to write about my issues with white women I was blown away with all the examples to the contrary and I had to let that rest, the topic just became unimportant and stoopid. Really, thinking bout the old black bitty that was suppose to take care of me at my worse, it is undeniable to me that there are just wack women and awesome ones, no matter the race. BUT, I still don't like seeing black men with white women. I think I'm allowed to feel like that as long as it's kept in perspective.
Thank you Kitty!!!!! You're the bomb! You made my whole day! Now if I could figure out how to make some loot on Blogshare.
Then I wanted to write about the NBA. I had watched Jordan on 60 minutes and was listening to him comment on the state of the NBA today. It reminded me of how both hip-hop and the NBA are both in this sort of inspirational rut. They have both become infiltrated with a coy and immature element that has totally affected it potency. I wanted to write about how both the NBA and hip-hop was such a major influence and love in my life in my late teens and early 20's. I wanted to write about how I and others feel they have both been bastardized and consumerized and the majik of them both had dwindled into becoming some sort of freekazoid, capitalized, side show and how I don't give 2 shits about either in their present state. Then as I continued to watch 60 minutes that became insignificant as a story about a young blind and mentally handicapped boy being a musical savant. The NBA and hip-hop just became such a silly and insignificant topic as I watch this little boy and others with all these reasons to fall victim to mediocrity, SHINE!!! The my life, trial and tribulations became so small.
Mountains transformed back to ant hills that could be readily stomped to level ground. The things I thought were noteworthy just seemed stoopid and small. In the process I almost forgot about a great opportunity that has arisen that I would love some feedback from yall on. I was asked participate in a course in Connecticut The course is titled "Modern African American Women Writers". My poetry will be used in class and I will hopefully be participating as an online guest lecturer, discussing classical poetry and why it aint so bad (so to speak) as well discussing some questions that were posed to me.
They are;
1. What makes the writing of the
modern African American woman so different from the likes of J. California Cooper, Nikki Giovanni, or Toni Morrison?
2. Is it theme?
3. Is it style?
4. Are modern women writers writing from a different place emotionally, socially, psychologically?
5. Is there more blatant anger? (see "With immediate Cause" by Ntozake Shange)
Please either comment or email me with some feedback yall. I will post my opinion in the near future!
Okay I feel productive. I got this post off my chest. Got some plans to keep me from feeling like a total waste and all…so lemmie get to it.
The gem cannot be polished without friction, nor man perfected without trials. ~Chinese proverb
modifyingmybehavior.
