Grace
I remember when I moved to Cali with my daughter (which seems like aeons ago) to do the lil' family thang with her father when she was a toddler. That was my first course on grace. When we got there things were tough no doubt (knew as much) but further impacted by the fact that bruh was cheating on me with a white grrrrl (please excuse my prejudice, it's one of my pet peeves to say the lease) and actually ended up getting her preggo. Yes, big mouf super conscious me got caught up in some ol' bull shit more than my share of times but this shit took the fuckin cake. So with all the self control I possessed, I did not flip a wig, I did not scream & shout and act a fool. I didn't get str8 gutta and go beat that bitches ass. I didn't go psycho on my daughter's father. I just took a deep breath and figured how I was gonna come out of this the better person in spite of my sheer humiliation and having been traumatized, utter disgust and anger. Wildin' out wasn't gonna change or fix nufin nor anyone. The fact of the matter was that I wanted things to work out for our family. I knew things weren't gonna be ice cream and candy from jump street. So I sucked it up, held my ground and made that fool fix that shit. I remember his surprise at my composure and actual quiet assistance during the process. Yeah, my first inclination was to snatch up my kid and high tail it back to the east coast but I bunkered down and faught the quiet war…til of course other indirect insane scenarios soon to follow tore the initial plan to shreds.
I haven't thought about those chain of events in quite some time and have spoken of them in much longer, til now. Actually in hindsight they represent something bigger than the hurt of that time. They represent a form I've tried to assume over time in different ways.
So I sit here 1 week after major surgery contemplating many things, many changes and many people. Of course I would love to sit here and bitch and moan bout wtf I'm going through but end up feeling that would be fairly unpolished of me and actually who wants to hear all the fuckin gruesome details anyway. Nevertheless, I have no intention to allow the watchers a glimpse into what's happening right now because of some unnecessary deficient need to broadcast this journey.
I have had many of my folks, in the past few weeks, thoroughly disappoint me. People that I thought would be there and have my back and maybe my front got ghost like the steam off some hot garbage. I can't say that I'm angry in the same way I was at my daughter's fathers indiscretions. It's ironic how when you really needs someone they all to often disappear either emotionally or even quite literally. Shit I guess I'm just as guilty now that I think of it, thought I would like to believe otherwise of myself. There are some people that have proven their patterns at this crossroad. In the past I've often thought it was me that had been a problem in dealing with them but now I can see (even with that) it is them. I shouldn't expect anything more or less from certain folks, and thats perfectly fine now. At lease I truly know. I sit and think of what will happen when certain people decide to surface. My instinct would usually be to really get crunk and beligerent but what I think of now is how I can come out the better person, save face in a way, if not just for myself. As I write this I think of the mantra my child has made for me:
"Mommy put it in the past."
What I've figured (as I did the days I've dealt with various bad relationships) is that sometimes that includes people too. Maybe not to the point that I cant and won't speak with them (but at time maybe so). But more to the point where the depth I've offered in the past is no longer available and the ability to hurt me is no longer given to them. But I will to greet such folks with a warm smile and kind hello, that is genuine...and leave it at that! Nothing more nothing less. As I said at the begining of this year "keep it simple in the dub nikle."
Grace is a level of composure that takes time to develop. It's a place where the shit that is flying towards you always misses. No, I don't think it's a normal human state but I do think is a necessary one to have from an evolutionary standpoint. It's a place where you say I'm gonna react like this to stop the foul stench that is pervading.
Lastly, I gotta give another super duper shout out to my homie
MR. BATTLE(<---click that). I have been in awe of his support and complete understanding, even from 900 miles away. Sometimes it's the people you lease expect that come through. He has helped me through this shit in a major way and I hope that one day I can repay him for his kindness and many jokes. Definitely keeps a chick bustin stitches on a daily basis. Your'e the CHAMPION mayne! Also sending mad love to all the little angels that caught me when I fell (especially Elica, Gentle, Myra, Camille, Nubiansoul and of course Dan Tres Omi...just to name a few). Gawd, I love yall. Some folks just gave me and reminded me of the fact that I have so many people and so much to live for.
Know that I am well and getting better everyday, in many ways. Shit, I'm healing yall!
Well, how long did I make it without posting? About 2 weeks? LMAO. Did I really think I was gonna go indefinitely without talking shit? Awwwwwwww, hells naw. If this post hasn't been the most coherent, well then fuck it I'm heavily medicated anyway.
*smile*
thismymedicine.
