Verbal Tsunami
So I have been gone for some time. Seems like I haven’t blogged for hella long as it would be said in the bay area. It has felt like time was standing still for the past 2 weeks. It hasn’t, I just decided to try and be still. My life has been nothing less than movement. I have moved as many times I am old and I have done bids in seven states. Georgia has become my home because it is where my heart aka my mother is. And I have found solitude in her modest country home. Where my attic room reminds me of summer heat waves at my grandma’s house in queens, NY. Funny how a flight of steps is the difference between cool comfort and a hotness hell would be jealous of. But I have been still. I have spent this time trying to quiet my mind. What bought me here was news from my doctor that I may be sick. I have sat and though whether I should right about this but if I remember why I blog my honesty and openness becomes paramount and evident…if only to me. So the doctor said I got a physical health issue, potentially serious.
[edit: wezza gon' be fine] I had my test and came home. Home to my mother, my daughter who has been on the “farm” doing cousin duties. I came home to my father and dogs, horses and terrain. Where the crickets sing operas and tree frogs make radical moves through back door. Home is peace. So I’ve been home looking for peace, trying to quiet my mind as I await word on my health. I tried to not worry about the worse case scenario and focus on the fact that I have been so good at burying my pains and woes within me that they live inside festering, trying to turn my body against me. And I thought about my motherhood and my daughter and how even that adventure held its prolific poison inside me disguised as dreams deferred and bebe daddi resentment. And I thought about the ramifications of my lax timeout, and about moving into my own apartment and out of my pseudo-secure roommate situation, and about my daughter staying in her school, her stability, my effort to complete school and bills and much to much more to list. All the time I’ve been trying to quiet my mind and calm my anxious spirit. I have been trying to find out what silence looks like in the squeaks of baby birds and nature walks. All the while with the comfort of my family I have touched this deep aloneness. The I don’t and haven’t had a partner for years alones that I’ve become close enough friends with that the company doesn’t impose anymore. The aloneness of single mothers and spinsters. For once I was okay with it and I decided that feeling would not be my enemy and would not fester like my questionable health.
So since I have found that my health isn’t that bad but it aint that great. I will be having surgery in August. I’m happy to not feel so in the dark as far as that is concerned, but life beckons and there are still bills to pay and an apartment to get, school to start and life to live. On a tangent…I liked Jersey Girl…yeah that movie with ‘Benifer’. I often wonder, at worse wish I had lost that love to death. It would have been easier if he died and I has this torch worthy of carrying rather than the abandonment that Z and I feel all to often.
Oh but I miss NYC! A city grrl floundering in the deep south/country. Maybe just readjusting the physiology from fresh water to salt water (beaches included).
But Moms is the cure all! She is my bebe daddi, my mommy and our matriarch. She is faith and wisdom and homemade chicken soup when I’m sick. I would not have or be life without her. I love my mommy infinity x infinity x the stars, with all my heart and soul!
So I’ve been still at my momma’s modest country farm. Where I’ve investigated fig, chestnut, peach, pear, apple trees, a grape vines, and toads on the back steps.
And why was Jersey Girl good to me? Cause it reminded me of what life is about? It reminded me of me. Dreams deferred and parenthood. Such a volatile combination that creates fireworks that creates new dreams and memories beyond blogs and scrapbook writing. ”You’re the only thing I was ever really good at.”
And I know the most high loves and looks after me and maybe he wants me
just where I am.
Pix nextime.
areyoulivin?
