Thursday, January 20, 2005
Don't Fall on your Sword.
Well things are active in life to say the lease. I got through my first Math exam. I was the last dork standing with every last classmate finishing and leaving before me. Im sure my teacher knows I'm a math retard. But I'd rather take advantage of every minute possible to try to get a decent grade on the test, and the class for that matter. I don't want to settle for just passing but actually try to pull a decent grade. The scholastic over-achiever has awaken...I'm not falling on that sword.
But on to my mental drip. Forward movement often requires peeks back into the past. However often we go through this is totally dependant on the individual, I think. This week I've had my share of blast from the past. I find it interesting how unmoved I am buy the two instances and how the residue from our interactions with others seems to linger at different points in time.
So, I email my previous employer to make sure I got my tax crap sent to the proper address and to also extract a good reference. I was hesitant to say the lease, why I don't know I guess I left, however much on good terms, but with a bad taste in my mouth. So my ol' boss writes me back like absolutely! Then she proceeds to tell me the dirt bout my old plantation. How out of 51 employees, there are now 11 left, her being one of them. My bitch boss (I had to directors I assisted), the one that gave me problems and was a major thorn in my side to grappling a permanent position out in the fields shufflin' cotton, well she got the big old boot. Others that made my time there rather difficult bit the dust. Actually I had escaped just in time on my terms. I could have been dismissed without notice like the others that were working by contract. So upon reading this eyeful I realized that no matter how uncomfortable the transition was, it was good to follow my gut. I didn't fall on my sword.
But before I continue I need to make a small statement. I am well aware that there are many folks out there keeping an eye on what I post up on this page no mater how silent they creep. In some cases it is harmless, inquisitive and quite curious. Some folks out there are friends that just keep up with Afeni’s world just cause I haven’t been first-rate with keeping in touch in some instances. Others are not friends and I question their intention as they loiter. So over the time I've been posting I have learned to consciously choose to not post certain particulars, expose deeper things nor divulge certain events and feelings however much I may want to rant about them, because of the watchers. I am all too familiar with having my words and self expression used against me and in various instances coming back to haunt me by various individuals.
Again, I try to not fall on my sword.
I shall…proceed…and continue…to rock the post.
Anywho another blast from the past was this interesting email I received. (oh yes, you should have known I would.) It is so much more productive for me to drain this from my brain to this page rather than engage in a more personal dialog with the source. Actually, the fact that there is no reasonable dialog limits me to how I choose find my own resolve in this case without defensive verbosity. This is where I do it. So whatever. I received some quite perplexing words full of the familiar enigmatic, concise and gruff overtures. Something actually I’ve become quite comfortable with the involuntary lack there of. I was quite surprised that I was not cast off into an irrational dander like this particular type of vernacular usually would instigate within me. How interesting that the effect of numbness can modify habitual behavior and reactionary instinct. But I must say that one risks falling on their sword when they have the keen ability to simultaneously praise yet still manage to effortlessly insult. Does one falls on their sword when they a request with a statement? Does one falls on their sword when there is a necessity to rebuke in a space where absolutely no communication has been requested and friendship has been admonishingly abolished. No doubt I’m sure this is partly my karma that’s come home to roost. But one could fall on their sword when their words are insults camouflaged as opinion and opinions are interjected where no space has been prepared for absorbing. One falls on their sword when they fall in the same regressive traps. I am astonished and grateful for my budding ability to recognize my own patterns in my processes with people as well as being able to recognize how people just "are" rather than how I would like to see them. Really there is no fault. I do recognize progressively how important it is to at times choose your words carefully and mindfully. Maybe it has been a subtle obsession I've had with human behavior to find reasons why people do and act as they consistently do, especially myself. I don’t think the effort to understand is trivial. I don’t believe that shouting out my gripes and calling a spade a spade is wasteful. Actually it’s been quite therapeutic, a means to inspire a forward motion within my person and heart and the words are heard. Those who are misunderstood tend to spend just as much time misunderstanding. Recognizing that has been a definite point of my own self healing no matter how many times I drop my sword on my foot. That’s enough on that. “…and so it goes.”
Fencing is such a cool sport.
carryonstrangely.
Well things are active in life to say the lease. I got through my first Math exam. I was the last dork standing with every last classmate finishing and leaving before me. Im sure my teacher knows I'm a math retard. But I'd rather take advantage of every minute possible to try to get a decent grade on the test, and the class for that matter. I don't want to settle for just passing but actually try to pull a decent grade. The scholastic over-achiever has awaken...I'm not falling on that sword.
But on to my mental drip. Forward movement often requires peeks back into the past. However often we go through this is totally dependant on the individual, I think. This week I've had my share of blast from the past. I find it interesting how unmoved I am buy the two instances and how the residue from our interactions with others seems to linger at different points in time.
So, I email my previous employer to make sure I got my tax crap sent to the proper address and to also extract a good reference. I was hesitant to say the lease, why I don't know I guess I left, however much on good terms, but with a bad taste in my mouth. So my ol' boss writes me back like absolutely! Then she proceeds to tell me the dirt bout my old plantation. How out of 51 employees, there are now 11 left, her being one of them. My bitch boss (I had to directors I assisted), the one that gave me problems and was a major thorn in my side to grappling a permanent position out in the fields shufflin' cotton, well she got the big old boot. Others that made my time there rather difficult bit the dust. Actually I had escaped just in time on my terms. I could have been dismissed without notice like the others that were working by contract. So upon reading this eyeful I realized that no matter how uncomfortable the transition was, it was good to follow my gut. I didn't fall on my sword.
But before I continue I need to make a small statement. I am well aware that there are many folks out there keeping an eye on what I post up on this page no mater how silent they creep. In some cases it is harmless, inquisitive and quite curious. Some folks out there are friends that just keep up with Afeni’s world just cause I haven’t been first-rate with keeping in touch in some instances. Others are not friends and I question their intention as they loiter. So over the time I've been posting I have learned to consciously choose to not post certain particulars, expose deeper things nor divulge certain events and feelings however much I may want to rant about them, because of the watchers. I am all too familiar with having my words and self expression used against me and in various instances coming back to haunt me by various individuals.
Again, I try to not fall on my sword.
I shall…proceed…and continue…to rock the post.
Anywho another blast from the past was this interesting email I received. (oh yes, you should have known I would.) It is so much more productive for me to drain this from my brain to this page rather than engage in a more personal dialog with the source. Actually, the fact that there is no reasonable dialog limits me to how I choose find my own resolve in this case without defensive verbosity. This is where I do it. So whatever. I received some quite perplexing words full of the familiar enigmatic, concise and gruff overtures. Something actually I’ve become quite comfortable with the involuntary lack there of. I was quite surprised that I was not cast off into an irrational dander like this particular type of vernacular usually would instigate within me. How interesting that the effect of numbness can modify habitual behavior and reactionary instinct. But I must say that one risks falling on their sword when they have the keen ability to simultaneously praise yet still manage to effortlessly insult. Does one falls on their sword when they a request with a statement? Does one falls on their sword when there is a necessity to rebuke in a space where absolutely no communication has been requested and friendship has been admonishingly abolished. No doubt I’m sure this is partly my karma that’s come home to roost. But one could fall on their sword when their words are insults camouflaged as opinion and opinions are interjected where no space has been prepared for absorbing. One falls on their sword when they fall in the same regressive traps. I am astonished and grateful for my budding ability to recognize my own patterns in my processes with people as well as being able to recognize how people just "are" rather than how I would like to see them. Really there is no fault. I do recognize progressively how important it is to at times choose your words carefully and mindfully. Maybe it has been a subtle obsession I've had with human behavior to find reasons why people do and act as they consistently do, especially myself. I don’t think the effort to understand is trivial. I don’t believe that shouting out my gripes and calling a spade a spade is wasteful. Actually it’s been quite therapeutic, a means to inspire a forward motion within my person and heart and the words are heard. Those who are misunderstood tend to spend just as much time misunderstanding. Recognizing that has been a definite point of my own self healing no matter how many times I drop my sword on my foot. That’s enough on that. “…and so it goes.”
Fencing is such a cool sport.
carryonstrangely.
