Being Me, Being Mom.
This mercury in retrograde be a bitch whenever it rolls around. I am usually never prepared. It's when I get 2 weeks into it and all type of ish jumps off with friends and family, work and whatever else, til I realized that the stars are completely jacked up for a minute. If you don't know what I'm talking about then you should go check here or if your really wanna bug out peep here and read how it effect us. Lawd. I know it's got my brain on malfunction and sheer tune out mode.
Yesterday was so yuck that as I left work I couldn't wait to see my lil grrl. I just wanted a hug and a smile from her. Just went home and kicked it together, had a much needed mommy daughter rap session about things we don't address on a daily basis, like her dad and other things like our future, our family, etc. Our days are so programmed. I was thinking about that today. Get up, get to work or school, get home, 1 hr down time, homework, clean, cook, bedtime, mommy does her work til 3 am, next day do it again. I don't think my plantation has been the only things aggravating me in as much what I'm doing, where I'm working. I hate how much of my energy it drains from me not only from pursuing my loves and passions but what it takes away from me in regards to Z. Less patience, less energy, way less time. I was thinking after I drove her to school this morning that I missed walking with her and my dog to school, or walking to pick her up. I miss walking period for one, being a NYC grrrl having spent all my life trooping on foot. But I miss the time that a woman that doesn't have an "away from home" job gets to have available for her child. Not just for her child, but her household, and for herself. A "in office" working mom just skips a lot of little things in order to keep the funds rolling in. Eventually it catches up with ya in one way or another. I think this all has been accumulating over an extended period of time. I feel like my time management is dictated to me and not molded by me in a fashion that allows life to glide. Life feels forced and I see that most with my daughter. We do everything together but there is a lot that we use to do, that now we don't and that bothers me. Lots of walking is one of them, be it around the way, to school, or downtown. I miss kicking it with my kid, rather than being mentally drained or generally exhausted to the point where quality time with her suffers. It's never an easy thing to balance your needs and responsibilities along with the nurturing when your raising a kid practically on your own. Often, I wish her father was local and not such an effin jerk so that I could have the convienence of just rolling her over to his spot, in order to more evenly distribute the responsibility with without having to put her on a plane to share the parenting (of which I don't do). Anywhoo, time on my agenda just needs to be renegotiated and prioritized differently than it is right now. So I look forward to my last day on the plantation even more. Interesting thing is my last day will be the last day of Mercury in retrograde.
Lots in life to revamp and approach froma different angle.
supasinglemommagottasewhercape.
