Tuesday, July 13, 2004
Metamorphosis
I've always believed I was a butterfly incarnate of some sorts. Even if it were plainly on a spiritual level. I use to think it was the birth of my daughter 8 years ago at the age of 21 that was me bursting from my chrysalis. It was a time of extreme change in me and in my life at that time. I felt more beautiful than I had ever. I felt I could fly once my wings were dry. At that time I wrote this,
There once was a time that I didn't have these beautiful illustrious wings. These wings of mine that have allowed me freedom. There once was a time when these wings were not yet earned not yet mine. That was a time I was not yet defined. So I defined myself with strands of silk and draped myself with my own ornamental home. Here in my chrysalis reality did not vary. Instead it was stabilized with visions of things that came from behind my eyes. There is where all I dreamt I could be began to materialize. I though life was what happened to me within my shell, within my hell. And when I began to believe the darkness that created me would consumed me, I learned what it was to break free, to be me. All that I see nourishes me. A bit wet behind the ears still, but in the grand scheme of things I see that’s trivial. My experiences have set me free to glide. Spreading my wings set to fly. Looking at myself I see I am a Butterfly.
Thinking about this time I began to remember a period of a few years I use to hold butterflies. Not catch but hold them. The monarchs (as in the picture above)spent about 2 years staying in the North East up until November. Which was unusual. At some poignant I had the ability to walk up to them on a flower and pick them up and spend time with them during these odd Novembers. People would be amazed, I just felt comfort. Since then they have been my patron saints, my messengers from the most high.
Anyway, I've recently realized that when my daughter was born I may have thought I broke through the cocoon. My prose is part truth (to me at that time). It's relative. But now, I see I was still inside dreaming of freedom. Caterpillars don’t morph because of the environment or events. The breakthrough comes from within. The instinct to make the chrysalis and then to emerge is not dictated by time, experience or influence. It's something that just happens, as it should, when it should.
This year I'll be 30. That doesn't mean much but I feel it is a marker. I've felt that I have been free when I have not been. I realize that being a grub with dreams of being a butterfly has been it's own prison sentence, set amount of time. This year thus far I have felt that I've grown too big for this protective shell that has aided in my metamorphosis. Now it is time to shed. I feel it inside out. It's time to shed this covering made of people, experiences, memories, tolerance, availability and too many things to list here. This year means to start a new existence, with fresh eyes. And to look at the past with peripheral vision.
It is a quiet and private change, getting out of this chrysalis. But something I see I must do alone. Because flight awaits me.
emerging.
I've always believed I was a butterfly incarnate of some sorts. Even if it were plainly on a spiritual level. I use to think it was the birth of my daughter 8 years ago at the age of 21 that was me bursting from my chrysalis. It was a time of extreme change in me and in my life at that time. I felt more beautiful than I had ever. I felt I could fly once my wings were dry. At that time I wrote this,
There once was a time that I didn't have these beautiful illustrious wings. These wings of mine that have allowed me freedom. There once was a time when these wings were not yet earned not yet mine. That was a time I was not yet defined. So I defined myself with strands of silk and draped myself with my own ornamental home. Here in my chrysalis reality did not vary. Instead it was stabilized with visions of things that came from behind my eyes. There is where all I dreamt I could be began to materialize. I though life was what happened to me within my shell, within my hell. And when I began to believe the darkness that created me would consumed me, I learned what it was to break free, to be me. All that I see nourishes me. A bit wet behind the ears still, but in the grand scheme of things I see that’s trivial. My experiences have set me free to glide. Spreading my wings set to fly. Looking at myself I see I am a Butterfly.
Thinking about this time I began to remember a period of a few years I use to hold butterflies. Not catch but hold them. The monarchs (as in the picture above)spent about 2 years staying in the North East up until November. Which was unusual. At some poignant I had the ability to walk up to them on a flower and pick them up and spend time with them during these odd Novembers. People would be amazed, I just felt comfort. Since then they have been my patron saints, my messengers from the most high.
Anyway, I've recently realized that when my daughter was born I may have thought I broke through the cocoon. My prose is part truth (to me at that time). It's relative. But now, I see I was still inside dreaming of freedom. Caterpillars don’t morph because of the environment or events. The breakthrough comes from within. The instinct to make the chrysalis and then to emerge is not dictated by time, experience or influence. It's something that just happens, as it should, when it should.
This year I'll be 30. That doesn't mean much but I feel it is a marker. I've felt that I have been free when I have not been. I realize that being a grub with dreams of being a butterfly has been it's own prison sentence, set amount of time. This year thus far I have felt that I've grown too big for this protective shell that has aided in my metamorphosis. Now it is time to shed. I feel it inside out. It's time to shed this covering made of people, experiences, memories, tolerance, availability and too many things to list here. This year means to start a new existence, with fresh eyes. And to look at the past with peripheral vision.
It is a quiet and private change, getting out of this chrysalis. But something I see I must do alone. Because flight awaits me.
emerging.
