Get That Dirt Off Ya Shoulder
In response to an inquiry on my decision un-knot a romantic tie:
1. The lofty, quasi-relationship, non-committed, we just potnas with xxxtra privileges, we're feeling each other but lets keep that behind closed doors all the time, 2 - 5 am clocked time, little responsibility for one an others feelings, can't have expectations, paused emotions, an evolved imbalance of the exchange of energy type of thang we were having got to be tired and not something I choose to perpetuate.
2. Not being deservingly acknowledged is unacceptable for me, anymore from anyone.
3. I felt that my feelings were developing farther and at a different speed than yours were and I knew that eventually that would become a problem. It had already been becoming a problem. Where's the brakes?
4. Solely physical exchanges are dumb. So is riding the fence. Eventually you gotta choose a side. So I did.
5. It didn't seem too important to you that we spend time doing stuff other than getting bent & bent. Doing ish even be it chill and bbq, chop it up on whatever extraneous topic, you know real time type ish, became less and less a part of our interaction and it didn't start like that. The fact that bothered me didn't seem too important to you. You seemed to have other things to do, people to see and places to go and an appointment couldn't help me. I began to feel quite incidental. Thus the situation became incidental to me.
6. Having that type of relations with you (whatever it manifested to be) was keeping me from having an opportunity or seek the kind of relationship I want. I was compromising myself (more friggin emotions, ugh)
7. Can't exist in the shadows of the women that preceded me. Just a loosing battle and I didn't cause and couldn't win. I gave up on that ish man.
8. What happened to the sweet considerate things you use to do? They slowly dwindled away into oblivion.
9. Seemed like our relationship (or whatever it was) was in it's own little box, with certain rules. Where was it changing and growing? But inside I was changing and evolving in how I was feeling. So after whatever extended amount of time was I not suppose to start wanting or rather looking forward to something more? Was I suppose to expect to stay in a closet indefinitely? Was I suppose to accept it as is indefinitely and remain content with that?...yeah right, right.
10. Were you concerned about how I felt before I stepped off? How bout now...real concern? I doubt it really, maybe Im wrong. I doubt that too.
11. If I had said this prior to backing off would it really have made a difference? Did I not say anything about all this? Did it make a difference? Nope but it should have.
12. Why should I be less important to myself then you were obviously being to yourself in order to continue the situation we were in? OH NO, imbalance is unacceptable.
13. I never got a flower. Yeah I said it. Not talking about a bouqet, ONE friggin flower. BOOO00000oooo. LOL but I'm serious tho.
14. You don't think I deserve more.?
15. Wouldn't you prefer us be friends rather than me loathe you or us disgusted and hostile with each other? That usually the pattern.
16. Lastly, would you want a man treating your daughter like you are treating me? Really?
"neglect becomes our ally."
~Count of Monte Cristo
There is definitely more but I think I can stop at that. Those in themselves are enough for me to change my attitude with dude. It's clear that it's time to keep it movin'. I can do that and still be friends, I'm a big girl. Just know(the)ledge.
I'm purposely leaving out details cause the list is really generic and ambiguous, I realized upon proof reading. This is just like the type of relationship it reflects, of which has become quite familiar to me. So much so that I recognize the symptoms much earlier in the game than I use to. For the record, if you think I might be refering to you...I just might.
Ilovememore!
word.
