Tuesday, April 06, 2004
"My SUNSHINE has come...
...and I'm all I got. There's no more rain in this life." ~Angie Stone
My sunshine goes by a different name. Azali. My supa fresh lil 7 yr old. Its hard to believe she is going to be 8. The time flew. Joy seasoned with adversity will warp time. Its been the most rewarding and amazing experience growing with her. I still get awe struck watching her. In spite of a total dead beat father, she shines. Sometimes I wonder how. It amazes me how emotionally stable,happy and smart she is. At times its been so difficult and adverse that I have to thank Allah for those moments, they have molded us both.
I got a call yesterday. On the other end was this adorable little voice. It was Z's baby sister calling from California to talk to her big sister. Its so unusual to see 510 pop up on the caller ID. It feels good to not get the lump in my throat and anxiety a Cali call use to create. I had to stop that a long time ago. 4 years to be exact...since I've spoken a word to him. So initially it was pleasant, I was happy for Z in spite of my own curt feelings towards her other half. But why I didn't stick to my 4 year formula, I don't know. AND mercury is in retrograde right now which means that communication jacked up. Why did I have to try to talk to that man. I guess I did it for Z, cause I know better. Try once again to have a dialog with a man that is just so self absorbed its nauseating. A man who hasn't bothered to call her for 2 years. What gave me any impression that time could change anything about a man that consistently ignores his 1st while simultaneously rearing 3 others. What possessed me. I guess I wanted to believe things could be different. I WAS SOOO WRONG! Doesn't take long for it to go to shit. That's why its been 4 years. And true to form it went down as it always does...2 minutes of civility then the finger pointing...then it my blood starts to boil. Z has been better to not have this interaction taint her growth. And I have been better for not listening to it for 4 years. I started having flashbacks, then I just couldn't control the urge...click! That's right I had to disconnect the repugnant feeling this person has such a knack for creating in me. I was upset. Z was upset. It was just not healthy, it's never been healthy. I doubt it ever will be. But in spite of it all afterwards Z and I had a healing heart to heart. Just to fix the disruption. Just to learn from it. A challenge we face together, that becomes easier to deal with the more time goes by. And she is stronger and wiser because of it, for what it's worth. We are whole. We are a team. I only think of him when I have those days where just a lil bit of help would make a world of difference. Sometimes I still get heated and angry, less and less as time goes on. But on those occasions that I do I think of what a friend said to me...he's only half a man, he'll never be whole until he does right by her (this has been such a helpful insight). As for me. I have SUNSHINE, everyday in all its adversity, reward and joy. I couldn't ask for more.
word!
...and I'm all I got. There's no more rain in this life." ~Angie Stone
My sunshine goes by a different name. Azali. My supa fresh lil 7 yr old. Its hard to believe she is going to be 8. The time flew. Joy seasoned with adversity will warp time. Its been the most rewarding and amazing experience growing with her. I still get awe struck watching her. In spite of a total dead beat father, she shines. Sometimes I wonder how. It amazes me how emotionally stable,happy and smart she is. At times its been so difficult and adverse that I have to thank Allah for those moments, they have molded us both.
I got a call yesterday. On the other end was this adorable little voice. It was Z's baby sister calling from California to talk to her big sister. Its so unusual to see 510 pop up on the caller ID. It feels good to not get the lump in my throat and anxiety a Cali call use to create. I had to stop that a long time ago. 4 years to be exact...since I've spoken a word to him. So initially it was pleasant, I was happy for Z in spite of my own curt feelings towards her other half. But why I didn't stick to my 4 year formula, I don't know. AND mercury is in retrograde right now which means that communication jacked up. Why did I have to try to talk to that man. I guess I did it for Z, cause I know better. Try once again to have a dialog with a man that is just so self absorbed its nauseating. A man who hasn't bothered to call her for 2 years. What gave me any impression that time could change anything about a man that consistently ignores his 1st while simultaneously rearing 3 others. What possessed me. I guess I wanted to believe things could be different. I WAS SOOO WRONG! Doesn't take long for it to go to shit. That's why its been 4 years. And true to form it went down as it always does...2 minutes of civility then the finger pointing...then it my blood starts to boil. Z has been better to not have this interaction taint her growth. And I have been better for not listening to it for 4 years. I started having flashbacks, then I just couldn't control the urge...click! That's right I had to disconnect the repugnant feeling this person has such a knack for creating in me. I was upset. Z was upset. It was just not healthy, it's never been healthy. I doubt it ever will be. But in spite of it all afterwards Z and I had a healing heart to heart. Just to fix the disruption. Just to learn from it. A challenge we face together, that becomes easier to deal with the more time goes by. And she is stronger and wiser because of it, for what it's worth. We are whole. We are a team. I only think of him when I have those days where just a lil bit of help would make a world of difference. Sometimes I still get heated and angry, less and less as time goes on. But on those occasions that I do I think of what a friend said to me...he's only half a man, he'll never be whole until he does right by her (this has been such a helpful insight). As for me. I have SUNSHINE, everyday in all its adversity, reward and joy. I couldn't ask for more.
word!
